It can be hard being a single mom sometimes. The challenges you face emotionally and financially can be really tough and sometimes disheartening. I am so so SO lucky to have a very involved father for Delilah's life, which definitely makes things a lot easier, but there are challenges nonetheless.
One of the "troubles" is the daunting love life. I am in no rush right now to settle down; getting married again strikes fear in my heart. Not because my last experience was horrible or anything, but committing to another human being has me feeling vulnerable, which is not the best of feelings at the moment. Being single and "dating" is terrifying, at least for now. It feels so complicated! First of all, how do I even meet people? I work, I take care of my kid, and I try to run and exercise. I don't really have room in my life to meet new folks. Which is fine for now; I'm doing a lot of self-work which is very much needed. Second, I can't even afford to be going out and about like that. Being single in NYC is just a life of being super extra broke. Since I'm already broke, I don't really have any room to move further down on the financial scale.
But those aren't even my main concerns. I always worry about bringing someone new into Delilah's life. How will she react to them? Will they like her? If they don't, they're getting a big ol' kick out the door! What if that person wants children? Do I even want another child? How will having a half sibling affect Delilah? How do I make time for both of them? What if my partner wants to move out of New York? I'M NOT LEAVING MY DAUGHTER BEHIND!!!!!
Yeah, it's a little coo coo crazy feeling sometimes, but that's what runs through my head. Obviously, my life could be a lot worse. I continuously feel blessed every time I look at my daughter. She is so smart, so loving, so kind, and so frikkin hilarious I can't even handle it. I can't even say she is like her father or myself, because she is just her own animal. Watching her grow up has been incredibly life changing. The type of change that if it means I have to be "alone" forever to continue to watch the change and growth in my daughter continue, then so be it. That doesn't make it any easier for sure, but it definitely makes being single worth it.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Expect the Unexpected
I can't believe it has been 9 months since I have written in my blog. It's funny; I was looking at at the Notes app on my iphone where I keep blog topic ideas. The ones I had listed had to do with breastfeeding, body images issues, exercising after giving birth, so on and so forth.
But one of the ones that stands out the most to me now was a question of "Does having a baby split couples up, or make relationships worse?" I had originally asked that because I saw so many people in my life with children separate from their significant other for one reason or another. Which brings me to my topic for this entry. It is no surprise that the last entry in this blog was in January because that is when some issues Michael and I had started coming to a head. No need for details; it was relatively amicable. But it has brought me a lot of great sadness this year. Is there no hope for love? Is there no hope in keeping a family together in this day in age?
Luckily, I am not in the same spot I was 9 months ago. Michael and I have actually developed a wonderful friendship. I always tell him that I will never regret having a child with him because he is a wonderful human being and I'm glad that God has forced him to be involved in my life until the end of time, whether he likes it or not lol. I think it weirds people out how good of friends we actually are, which I totally understand. But it almost feels like this is how things were supposed to be, at least for now.
As for Delilah, she is doing amazing. Because, if anything, Michael and I have made sure to become an even stronger parenting unit. We are constantly communicating about the new things Delilah is doing, her struggles, her successes, what she ate, how many times she pooped, whether or not she punched us in the face that day. Every little detail. It has certainly had it's challenges. I hate saying goodbye to my daughter, with a passion. I hope none of you parents out there reading this have to experience it. I know I will see her again, but it just really sucks to fall asleep in my apartment, all alone. It's too quiet. I miss her laugh, the sounds of her tossing and turning in her crib, and I just miss her overall presence. She really does give me purpose in life. I know Michael feels the same way, so we've been really great at being there for her as much as possible which also means being supportive of each other.
There will be future blog entries about the struggles and successes of being a single mom. It's been an interesting journey so far. I don't know how single parents without an active co-parent do it. You all get my most greatest respect. But for now, I just wanted to let friends and family know that Michael and I are ok. And more than that, our beautiful warrior princess daughter is MORE than ok. She's fucking fantastic. But please keep us in your prayers that we may continue the strong family dynamic we have worked so hard for and will continue to fight for.
~Lexy~
Friday, January 11, 2013
Our first holidays
We did it! We made it through the holidays. Yes I am fully aware that it is the second week of January and I am just now writing about the holidays. Such is the life of a full time working, first time mom. I have very little time to myself. I am typing this on my iPhone on my commute home actually, just to copy and paste onto the blog later. Even though I don't get much down time, I did manage to sew my first reversible tote bag the other day! Maybe you'll get to hear about that sometime next year, ha ha.
Anyway! The holidays. It actually really went incredibly well. Thanksgiving was spent at my moms. We did our little 6 hour road trip down there, which went much better than I thought it would. And we just had a nice time hanging out and getting fat.
Christmas sparked some anxiety in me. As the true Gemini I am, I have two very strong and conflicted feelings about the holidays. First, I effing love Christmas. Like seriously, I love the shit out of some Christmas. I love the food. The baked goods. The genuine happiness that most people seem to be radiating for the whole month of December. The snow. Spending time with family. Hot chocolate. Christmas movies and music. All of it. But on the flip side, I HATE presents. Yes, I am one of THOSE people.
I love the idea of being able to have a holiday that just celebrates the gift of life and love, I think it's a beautiful thing. But I feel like when actual tangible gifts are exchanged, things gets complicated, sometimes awkward, and defeats the whole idea of being grateful for what we have. Yes, I am that person who thinks gift buying fuels greed and fattens the pocket of corporate d-bags who don't deserve the money. I have never been one of those people to bah humbug Christmas out loud because what frustrates me makes someone else ecstatic and there's no good reason for me to rain on their parade. However, I always do find myself in the position of having to explain my stance on Christmas because it usually prefaces the "please don't buy me anything. I would rather you make a donation to an organization or something. Oh, and because I truly don't plan on buying you anything."
Now don't get me wrong. I actually do love presents. And I LOVE giving presents. But I prefer this exchange to happen at random times through out my life. When it happens during any holiday like Christmas or birthdays, I feel like the present is just a result of someone marking something off their To Do List. But when I get a random gift, totally unexpected, I know it's because that person actually was taking the time to think about me. And whatever they were thinking about had to be a good thing because it made them care enough to purchase something to show that to me. And so I am totally one of those people that truly believes its the thought that counts, because I feel like in our modern day society we don't stop and just think about our loved ones any more. Yes, I am getting all philosophical and revolutionary about presents. Welcome to my brain and to the reason why I never get sleep!
Now, I spew all of that to say...now I'm a mom. And I want to make sure that my child has the most magical, wonderful, spectacular Christmas. Even though she is so little and has no clue what's going on; so really everything we do is more for Michael and I but let's pretend its for Delilah! But I also want to teach her the value of appreciating life, what we have, and respecting those who have less. I was feeling so conflicted about the gifts this year. Do I buy her gifts? Does she really need them? I should only get her what she needs like diapers, and soap! Shouldn't I spend the money I would spend on Deli on someone more in need? My hippy guilt was eating at my soul.
I decided I would get her two gifts. Just some simple little toys for the bath. I didn't even spend twenty bucks. I was feeling really great about it. Then we had Christmas...part one. Christmas part one was actually the weekend before actual Christmas. We spent it at my moms. My family had started spending the weekend before Christmas as actual Christmas a couple of years ago to avoid all the travel hassle that comes with the holidays and winter. Not to mention the annoying "I can't get off work because every other living soul in the office already took time off" excuse. It's actually working out in our favor.
Christmas at my moms was awesome. Lots of good food and more residual post-thanksgiving getting fatness. They exchanged some gifts but nothing too extravagant. A candle warmer here, some warm socks there. Just the way I like it. Although I must give my mom an honorable mention for getting Delilah a framed Daily News Newspaper that was issued on the day Delilah was born. It features Katie Couric and Sarah Palin photoshopped on to boxer bodies with Katie Couric giving a nice punch into Sarah Palin's stanky "you gotcha whydontcha" mouth. It's pretty epic.
Moving on, we decided to do a little "post christmas" shopping, just to see if there were any sales going on. Michael handed me a little money to get Delilah more presents if I wanted. I thought to myself, "Ok, I'll get her ONE more present. But just one!" Fast forward 30 minutes, I'm standing at the check out with about 10 different items for the baby. My mom had to help me pay for them. Oy vay. The presents Grinch is now suddenly addicted to buying gifts for her kid. But I've come to terms with it because we are still going to put things in place for her to learn how to love and appreciate life without needing those material things. Which I'll talk about a little later.
After we recovered from Christmas part one, we moved on to Christmas part two with Michael's family. It started on Christmas Eve where I invited his family and some of my friends (a.k.a. My extended family) over for some Uruguayan food. It was a really wonderful time filled with laughs, stories, Christmas music, and lots of love. I couldn't have asked for more. I made milanesa. But I also made fudge cookies and cream Oreo brownies which were ah-mahzing.
The next day, Michael and I had Christmas morning with Delilah with her mountain of presents. What we did first was my most favorite. We decided, in the spirit of being grateful for what we have, that we would each wrap something Delilah already had. We each picked one item, without telling the other, that held a special memory of Delilah for us. We would let her open them and then share the memory.
Michael picked a red ball that one of Delilah's awesome aunts bought for her. It was the first toy she ever played with. The first toy she grabbed. The first item she followed with her eyes. The first toy she threw. She still loves that toy.
I picked a pair of gray maternity pants. They were the last pair of pants I was wearing when I went into labor with her. It was the day that completely changed my life for the better. I'm sure there's not a woman on this planet who will ever forget the day she gave birth, especially to her first child. I will certainly hold that day so incredibly sacred and will forever feel blessed for every mind numbing contraction.
Michael and I also exchanged these memory gifts. We have never bought Christmas presents for each other since we started dating. Except for one time when Michael got me a pair of headphones, which I was not happy about because he broke our no-presents-code. But I liked the idea of exchanging these gifts. I had given him a braided rope we had tied up on our wedding day. I told him that I loved how as a couple we always supported each other but also had this symbol in our home that presented our spiritual lives and how it influences as individuals, as a couple, and as parents. He gave me our wedding rings, telling me how once upon a time they didn't mean much to him, but now with everything we had been through they held so much more meaning to him.
The memory gift is definitely a tradition I am glad we started and one I definitely want to be sure to continue. I can't wait to see how Delilah reacts to the memories we share with her. I also can't wait until she starts picking her own gifts. I look forward to hearing her speak in her own words the memories that make her think of us and make her happy.
The rest of Christmas day was spent slightly house hopping which resulted in what seemed to be an endless amount of Christmas presents. Seriously, I don't know how one tiny little human being is supposed to play with so many toys in a lifetime. But it was so much fun. Deli had a great time hanging out with the family, especially her cousins. And there was loads of good food. (Have you noticed how much I love food yet?) It was a long exhausting day, but it made me so full of love for all the people in my life and appreciative how much they love me, I literally thought I was going to explode with mushy love at some point.
Overall, it was a great holiday season. It far surpassed my expectations and got me to appreciate presents a little bit more...but only a little bit...for now. It also really excited me about the potential traditions we will build with Delilah in the future. I want to continue the memory gift, but I also want to begin new traditions. Maybe a certain food? Or a pattern in how we open gifts? Certain games we play? And when she gets old enough, I do want to make sure we do some volunteering on Christmas like Michael and I did last year. I so can't wait to take Delilah on her visit volunteering experience.
That is my most amazing present from this holiday season. Seeing all the potential of great family fun and bonding that I have to look forward to. I can't wait to see how our little family will shape and grow itself. I see nothing but fun and laughter to look forward to.
Anyway! The holidays. It actually really went incredibly well. Thanksgiving was spent at my moms. We did our little 6 hour road trip down there, which went much better than I thought it would. And we just had a nice time hanging out and getting fat.
Christmas sparked some anxiety in me. As the true Gemini I am, I have two very strong and conflicted feelings about the holidays. First, I effing love Christmas. Like seriously, I love the shit out of some Christmas. I love the food. The baked goods. The genuine happiness that most people seem to be radiating for the whole month of December. The snow. Spending time with family. Hot chocolate. Christmas movies and music. All of it. But on the flip side, I HATE presents. Yes, I am one of THOSE people.
I love the idea of being able to have a holiday that just celebrates the gift of life and love, I think it's a beautiful thing. But I feel like when actual tangible gifts are exchanged, things gets complicated, sometimes awkward, and defeats the whole idea of being grateful for what we have. Yes, I am that person who thinks gift buying fuels greed and fattens the pocket of corporate d-bags who don't deserve the money. I have never been one of those people to bah humbug Christmas out loud because what frustrates me makes someone else ecstatic and there's no good reason for me to rain on their parade. However, I always do find myself in the position of having to explain my stance on Christmas because it usually prefaces the "please don't buy me anything. I would rather you make a donation to an organization or something. Oh, and because I truly don't plan on buying you anything."
Now don't get me wrong. I actually do love presents. And I LOVE giving presents. But I prefer this exchange to happen at random times through out my life. When it happens during any holiday like Christmas or birthdays, I feel like the present is just a result of someone marking something off their To Do List. But when I get a random gift, totally unexpected, I know it's because that person actually was taking the time to think about me. And whatever they were thinking about had to be a good thing because it made them care enough to purchase something to show that to me. And so I am totally one of those people that truly believes its the thought that counts, because I feel like in our modern day society we don't stop and just think about our loved ones any more. Yes, I am getting all philosophical and revolutionary about presents. Welcome to my brain and to the reason why I never get sleep!
Now, I spew all of that to say...now I'm a mom. And I want to make sure that my child has the most magical, wonderful, spectacular Christmas. Even though she is so little and has no clue what's going on; so really everything we do is more for Michael and I but let's pretend its for Delilah! But I also want to teach her the value of appreciating life, what we have, and respecting those who have less. I was feeling so conflicted about the gifts this year. Do I buy her gifts? Does she really need them? I should only get her what she needs like diapers, and soap! Shouldn't I spend the money I would spend on Deli on someone more in need? My hippy guilt was eating at my soul.
I decided I would get her two gifts. Just some simple little toys for the bath. I didn't even spend twenty bucks. I was feeling really great about it. Then we had Christmas...part one. Christmas part one was actually the weekend before actual Christmas. We spent it at my moms. My family had started spending the weekend before Christmas as actual Christmas a couple of years ago to avoid all the travel hassle that comes with the holidays and winter. Not to mention the annoying "I can't get off work because every other living soul in the office already took time off" excuse. It's actually working out in our favor.
Christmas at my moms was awesome. Lots of good food and more residual post-thanksgiving getting fatness. They exchanged some gifts but nothing too extravagant. A candle warmer here, some warm socks there. Just the way I like it. Although I must give my mom an honorable mention for getting Delilah a framed Daily News Newspaper that was issued on the day Delilah was born. It features Katie Couric and Sarah Palin photoshopped on to boxer bodies with Katie Couric giving a nice punch into Sarah Palin's stanky "you gotcha whydontcha" mouth. It's pretty epic.
Moving on, we decided to do a little "post christmas" shopping, just to see if there were any sales going on. Michael handed me a little money to get Delilah more presents if I wanted. I thought to myself, "Ok, I'll get her ONE more present. But just one!" Fast forward 30 minutes, I'm standing at the check out with about 10 different items for the baby. My mom had to help me pay for them. Oy vay. The presents Grinch is now suddenly addicted to buying gifts for her kid. But I've come to terms with it because we are still going to put things in place for her to learn how to love and appreciate life without needing those material things. Which I'll talk about a little later.
After we recovered from Christmas part one, we moved on to Christmas part two with Michael's family. It started on Christmas Eve where I invited his family and some of my friends (a.k.a. My extended family) over for some Uruguayan food. It was a really wonderful time filled with laughs, stories, Christmas music, and lots of love. I couldn't have asked for more. I made milanesa. But I also made fudge cookies and cream Oreo brownies which were ah-mahzing.
The next day, Michael and I had Christmas morning with Delilah with her mountain of presents. What we did first was my most favorite. We decided, in the spirit of being grateful for what we have, that we would each wrap something Delilah already had. We each picked one item, without telling the other, that held a special memory of Delilah for us. We would let her open them and then share the memory.
Michael picked a red ball that one of Delilah's awesome aunts bought for her. It was the first toy she ever played with. The first toy she grabbed. The first item she followed with her eyes. The first toy she threw. She still loves that toy.
I picked a pair of gray maternity pants. They were the last pair of pants I was wearing when I went into labor with her. It was the day that completely changed my life for the better. I'm sure there's not a woman on this planet who will ever forget the day she gave birth, especially to her first child. I will certainly hold that day so incredibly sacred and will forever feel blessed for every mind numbing contraction.
Michael and I also exchanged these memory gifts. We have never bought Christmas presents for each other since we started dating. Except for one time when Michael got me a pair of headphones, which I was not happy about because he broke our no-presents-code. But I liked the idea of exchanging these gifts. I had given him a braided rope we had tied up on our wedding day. I told him that I loved how as a couple we always supported each other but also had this symbol in our home that presented our spiritual lives and how it influences as individuals, as a couple, and as parents. He gave me our wedding rings, telling me how once upon a time they didn't mean much to him, but now with everything we had been through they held so much more meaning to him.
The memory gift is definitely a tradition I am glad we started and one I definitely want to be sure to continue. I can't wait to see how Delilah reacts to the memories we share with her. I also can't wait until she starts picking her own gifts. I look forward to hearing her speak in her own words the memories that make her think of us and make her happy.
The rest of Christmas day was spent slightly house hopping which resulted in what seemed to be an endless amount of Christmas presents. Seriously, I don't know how one tiny little human being is supposed to play with so many toys in a lifetime. But it was so much fun. Deli had a great time hanging out with the family, especially her cousins. And there was loads of good food. (Have you noticed how much I love food yet?) It was a long exhausting day, but it made me so full of love for all the people in my life and appreciative how much they love me, I literally thought I was going to explode with mushy love at some point.
Overall, it was a great holiday season. It far surpassed my expectations and got me to appreciate presents a little bit more...but only a little bit...for now. It also really excited me about the potential traditions we will build with Delilah in the future. I want to continue the memory gift, but I also want to begin new traditions. Maybe a certain food? Or a pattern in how we open gifts? Certain games we play? And when she gets old enough, I do want to make sure we do some volunteering on Christmas like Michael and I did last year. I so can't wait to take Delilah on her visit volunteering experience.
That is my most amazing present from this holiday season. Seeing all the potential of great family fun and bonding that I have to look forward to. I can't wait to see how our little family will shape and grow itself. I see nothing but fun and laughter to look forward to.
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