I hate grapes!

One of the things that I have always feared as a single mom is, what if something happens to my daughter where I need to rush her off to the ER?  Do I REALLY have to do that by myself?  I can handle sickness, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, daycare, and whatever else.  But the thought of having to deal with something tragic with my little girl, on my own, is a terrifying thought.

This recently resurfaced the other night as my daughter was enjoying her post-dinner dessert of purple seedless grapes.  I was washing dishes, chatting away with her, as she enjoyed her snack at the dinner table.  All of the sudden, it got really quiet.  I looked up and she was turned to me with very large eyes, tears streaming down her face, red as a tomato, waving her arms around her face.  I can't even begin to describe the look of panic that was on her face.  And her expression was so contorted she almost looked like a creature from The Ring or one of those creepy movies with a distorted ghost-like girl figure as the main character.

I immediately rushed to her, leaned her forward with my left hand around her chin, patting her back with my right hand; something I had seen on a youtube video years ago.  The grapes came out of her mouth pretty quickly.  My little hungry warrior princess tried to shove 5 of them in her tiny mouth at one time, hence the choking.  As soon as the grape was out of her mouth, she quickly grabbed another one to eat.  I looked at her in disbelief.  Did she even realize what almost happened?

I snatched up the remaining grapes and proceeded to chop them into quarters before returning them to her; emphasizing to her to eat one at a time.  She continued finishing off the grapes as if nothing happened.  What is wrong with her!?!?  (lol)

I went back to the sink, my heart pounding, and continued to wash the dishes.  My hands were shaking and my brain was on fire.  The thoughts that were rushing through my head in the short moments after everything had happened were not pleasant.  What if she had died?  What would that feel like?  How could I ever survive without her?  Her father would never forgive me.  If she died, I might as well be dead myself.

I kept playing out different scenarios of rushing her to my car, calling an ambulance, giving her CPR.  My imagination was on overdrive, and not in a good way.  All of this, from her choking to me having these crazy thoughts, literally happened within a 3 minute timespan.  It's interesting how fast the mind works.  And after that 3 minutes, I just began to cry.  I looked over at my daughter, enjoying her little fruits, and just silently cried.  She looked over at me, smiling, holding up one of her grapes and said loudly "Mommy!  The grape was stuck in my mouth!"  She was just glowing with pride over it.  Pushing back my tears, I kind of just laughed and said "That's right sweetie.  That's why we have to eat one at a time!  No more grapes being stuck in the mouth please!"

And that was that.  That was the end of my daughter's "near death experience."  Of course I am probably overreacting.  But it was scary, and I have been super on guard since then.  It's also just impacted me in a huge way.  You never think of children passing away because we often relate death to age, and of course young children never die.  But the reality is, as we all know in our subconscious, that death can happen at any time, any where, for any reason.  This incident really helped me realize that.  There's not much else I can do with that information besides continuing to love and spend time with my daughter as much as humanly possible. There's part of me that wants to constantly smother her and protect everything she touches or things that go near her.  But the truth of it all is that I can't control anything, and I certainly don't want to wrap her up in such a tight cocoon that she doesn't get to experience life; even if that means the more negative aspects of it.  However, this was an incredible profound parenting experience that I just thought I should share.

Thanks for reading.  :-)

My daughter is 2!

I have learned about myself that I am going to be incredibly annoying and nostalgic every time Delilah has a birthday.  It probably comes with the parenting territory.  I just get in complete awe every time I start reflecting on who she was a year ago and how much she has grown/changed.

I'm a couple weeks late in writing a birthday post, but Delilah seriously had the longest birthday of all time.  Her birthday fell on a Wednesday this year.  Her dad and I both took off work to take her to the zoo.  We had a great time!  Then we met up with his family later to cut some cake and hang out.  Saturday, my family came into town from Virginia to say hi to the birthday girl.  So there was shopping, playing, eating lots of food, etc.  Sunday was the official birthday party.  My family had to head back to Virginia, but a lot of friends of our family showed up which was beautiful.  It was a lot of work creating/getting decorations, making food, making/sending out the invitation, etc.  But Delilah had a blast!  She had a Monsters Inc. party this year; one of her favorite movies.  I actually still have some of the decorations hanging around the house lol.

Another reason why I was sooooo pooped was because I made a video for Delilah this year! It was my first time ever working with film.  I reached out to a bunch of women that I have crossed paths with in my life to send me a series of pictures of themselves in which they reflected on who they were as young women, who they are now, and what advice they would like to offer to the future generations of young ladies (i.e. Delilah).  I was really proud of the video and so incredibly grateful to the women who participated.  It made me feel so loved that these women were willing to put out some very vulnerable things about themselves in order to send a broader message of self-love to other women.  I can not wait until Delilah is older so that she can appreciate it a little more.  You can check out the video here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=122XKgaP1yk


Although I am glad that the birthday festivities are over, I am somewhat saddened that Delilah is now moving into her 3rd year of life.  It wasn't long ago that she could not support her own body without me having to carry her everywhere.  And now, she is quickly turning into a young lady who asks questions, runs around like a maniac, and is filled with so much curiosity and love of other people that it almost feels like she doesn't need me anymore.  Obviously, that's not true.  Who else is gonna feed her? lol.  But still....there's something about the idea of her leaving the nest never hit me last year, and now it feels like it's right around the corner.

I know...I know. I'm totally projecting.  In a day to day basis, I really do just cherish every second I have with her.  She makes me laugh so hard I can't even handle it.  And it is those moments that I value and revel in and will continue to do so no matter what the future may hold.

How to spell mother

I came across this video and just found it incredibly touching.  Although this young man speaks from the experience of a child of a single mother, I want to say that there are plenty of supportive and amazing fathers out in the world, Delilah's father included.  But for a child to be so outspoken and loving about the hard work his single parent provided for him.  I always appreciate children of all ages speaking the love for their families.


http://www.upworthy.com/watch-this-guy-misspell-father-at-a-spelling-bee-for-a-beautiful-reason-5?g=3&c=ufb1

You is smart, you is kind, you is IMPORTANT

A couple of years ago, I read the book The Help by Kathryn Stockett.  I was immediately hooked within the first chapter.  This book, a fictional tale about the treatment of black maids in the 60's, is a must read for any woman, or person for that matter.  It touches on so many issues within racial and gender segregation that still ring true for today.

Not too long after I read the book, the movie came out and I HAD to go see it.  It is very rare that I see a movie based off a book and feel satisfied.  Movie creators often take many liberties that steer away from the original premises of the literature and end up giving the original novel a bad reputation.  People who watch the movie and haven't read the book don't even understand the pure beauty they missed out on.  But in this case, the movie The Help definitely did the book justice.

There was one particular moment of the movie that I will just never forget.  There is a scene where Aibileen (one of the house maids) has Mae Mobley sitting on her lap; the young white girl she takes care of.  In this scene, Aibileen tells Mae "You is smart, you is kind, you is important." Mae repeats her.

Before Delilah was even a glimmer in my eye, this scene made me realize that I had never really heard these words in my own youth.  I was determined, if I was to ever have a child, that I would reiterate these words to them.  I have kept true to my word.

A few weeks ago I have started this mantra for Delilah, with some additions.  I have a full length mirror in my bedroom and we sit in front of the mirror to say "You are smart, you are kind, you are funny, you are beautiful and you are important."  We say this almost every day together.

Often times on this blog I talk about the various thoughts I have about my daughter and what it is or will be like for her to be a woman in this world.  I know it might seem kind of biased, but rest assured if I had a son, you would see many posts about how unfair it is to be a man as well.  Men are forced to believe that they are weak if they show their emotions, there is a lot of pressure on them to be the bread winners in their family (still!), and there is always an underlying assumption that all men are misogynistic and sexist that I feel even the most feminist of men are constantly fighting against.  Alas, I have a daughter, so my posts come out the way they do.

One of the primary reasons I feel so strongly about developing a strong sense of character and self-love in my daughter is because I recognize my own struggles growing up, as well as so many of the strong women that have surrounded me in my life.  We are quick to look at the negatives in ourselves.  I complain too much, I'm too needy, I'm not smart enough, I'm too fat; the list goes on and on.  We continue to look at the inequality between men and women, but what a lot of people don't realize is that the act of submission that often comes from women towards their partners, families, friends, co-workers, etc. comes from a place of self-hate.  While that self-hate is often blamed on the media, we also have to look at what takes place in a child's most immediate environment; home and school.

To my fellow women, whether you have children or not, how many times have you stood in front of the mirror and picked apart every crevice of your face and body and called it disgusting?  How many times have you looked at yourself and said "if only I could lose weight"?  How many times have you sucked in your gut or applied make-up because you were not happy with the image staring back at you?  Have you ever figured out why?  How does it benefit you?  And do you really think you're alone when you do that?  Do you really think NO ONE hears you?  Even if you do it in the privacy of your own home, those thoughts protrude in great force through you stature, your clothing, the way you talk, the way you move.

I was incredibly lucky to be raised by three crazy women; my mother and her two sisters (my aunts).  While there was never an outright lesson taught to me about what it means to be a strong, confident woman, it is something I learned through watching them.  They were women who always worked hard for what they wanted, never let anything get in the way of their dreams, were always brutally honest with anyone who dared to challenge them, and did all of this while giving the world a metaphorical middle finger to say "If you don't like me the way that I am, then go screw yourself."  There was a sort of tough love that I grew up with that has really helped me become the person I am today.  I certainly intend to continue that practice with Delilah, with a mixture of tenderness and compassion to remind her that she is allowed to be vulnerable and emotional; emotions are NOT  sign of weakness but rather a source of strength and self-awareness that many people do not have.

I have been blessed to have Delilah in my life.  If not only to have the experience as a parent, but to realize that self-hate and deprivation has no place in this world.  It serves no one.  That is why I make an active effort to say our mantra, to not insult myself in front of her (or ever), to not weigh myself on the scale in front of her, and to say out loud "Mommy is beautiful.  And so is Delilah."  It is so important to me that she grows up knowing that she is perfect just the way she is.

I know that some day I will be faced with the "Mommy, you have to say that because you're my mom."  I know it will happen, because I did the same thing in my youth.  I will never forget the day my mom called me beautiful and I said that she had to say that, and she said "No I don't.  If I didn't think you were beautiful, I just wouldn't say anything at all."  LMAO.  That line still cracks me up to this day.  But those words stuck with me and my mother is definitely part of the reason why I can look in the mirror and say I AM BEAUTIFUL.  

Delilah's path in developing her confidence will be her own.  I know I have a short window of time before she starts schools and the insecurities or judgments of others will start seeping into her frame of thinking and might shift her self perception.  That's why it is even more important, even if she isn't 2 yet, to remind her what a wonderful person she is.  And I so very much look forward to the day where I can see her say it out loud and really believe it.  Then I will know my job as a parent is done.  :-)

Letter From a Mother to a Daughter

The letter below is something I saw floating around on Facebook.  Not sure if it is real or not, but wanted to share....

LETTER FROM A MOTHER TO A DAUGHTER:

"My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”... Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep.

When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?

When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way... remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day... the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.

And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked.

When those days come, don’t feel sad... just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love.

I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you... my darling daughter."

- Unknown,



This letter particularly hit home because I have been looking at Delilah a lot recently and seeing how much she has grown.  I'm no longer seeing her as a little baby, but rather, a little girl.  And someday I will see her as a little lady, then a young woman, than who knows what.  In a weird way, it has faced me with my own mortality.  Every time I look at her, I become strongly aware that I used to be that age.  I might not remember it, but I was.  And I think of what my family must be experiencing to see me as I am now.  Once upon a time, I couldn't even wipe my own ass.  And now, I am a full time working, single mom, living in New York City, raising my own little girl.  It must be surreal for my family.  I can only relate in that it is already surreal for me when my daughter picks out her own clothes.  Just a year ago she couldn't even walk and she needed me to do EVERYTHING for her.

As her autonomy grows, my love for her does as well.  Not because I want her to leave the nest so soon.  But the bond that is created between a parent and a child when the parent is helping build the foundations of life skills for a tiny human being, and then to see that human being be successful, happy, and brilliant is something that really touches the heart at a level I didn't even think existed.  My daughter has taught me so much about what life is all about and I hope I can continue to teach her the same.  Most of all, I pray that as I become older and more frail that she will never forget that at one time she was a youth, and that she will not take her life for granted.  That she will live every moment to her very fullest.  And most of all, I hope my daughter never sees me as a burden on her life, because she has certainly never been one in mine.

Double take

This little girl, who is meeting her uncle for the first time is a trip!  Her uncle just so happens to be an identical twin of her father.  Lmao.  So good!


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/11/little-girl-dads-twin-video_n_4582183.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009