So, in the last year, one of the greatest challenges I have faced with my daughter is her frequently looking me in the face saying "I don't want you." I thought it was just a phase, but it's been pretty consistent for quite a while now. There have been times I've picked her up and she just starts crying "I want my daddy!!!!"
My responses to this have been endless. I've tried everything. Smiling through it and reassuring her that she will see him again. Letting her know that I am here for her and love her just as much. Informing her gently that what she is saying hurts my feelings or makes me sad. Now I've moved on to avoidance. But not because I'm scared. I just figure if I don't feed energy into what she's saying, perhaps she will just stop saying it. Writing that down makes me feel like a bad parent for some reason. But deep down, I know I'm not because after this new habit of her expressing her disdain for me, I've made a more proactive effort in trying to be a better mom. Not to prove anything to her or anyone. But I figure, if she's expressing this annoyance towards me, perhaps it IS because I'm doing something "wrong." Which is ok. I'm a first time parent who never grew up around kids, so I'm still figuring things out, and now doing so super solo. So I've put in extra effort in creating structure, activities, social gatherings, etc. I'm exhausted lol. But after a year, I think it is FINALLY starting to pay off.
We go out more. Which can be challenging to find free or low costs thing to do. But she always really enjoys the places I find for her. We read great stories. We meditate. We do yoga. We sing and dance. We create random art murals in our house. We attempt to play the guitar. We TALK. We're having conversations, which is just crazy to me. It's been quite the experience to watch my daughter grow.
Hearing my daughter tell me she doesn't want to be around me or doesn't love me has been really hard. I have cried many a nights over it. But I secretly think this is just what I needed. Growing up as an only child, no cousins, and always moving around so not establishing relationships with young people makes it truly challenging to understand what a child need or wants. My child's dad is like a super parent; a natural born dad who obviously has some incredible parenting instincts that I have often envied which I sometimes attribute to him being raised around so many family members, including his 3 siblings. It's not the answer to everything, but I think it certainly helps. So now, through the separation, I have often felt lost and utterly alone. Especially when I have her for more than 2 days in a row. Something as simple as "what the hell am I going to make her for dinner" can paralyze my brain; luckily it has not impacted my ability to parent.
I'm very lucky to have an involved co-parent, but I'm also very lucky to have such an awesome kid. She knows what she needs and demands it...politely of course. She's not a complete jerk after all, lol. And she has been such an incredible blessing in my life because she teaches me humility, determination and persistence. She strengthens my self education (which is something I pretty much thrived off my whole life anyway), my courage, and my confidence. Granted, she can also make that shatter to the ground with just a few simple words. But this challenging experience has taught me to push past it faster because there are more good parts than bad. I really can't wait to see what this little girl teaches me next. :-)
