Gender social norms

I LOVE my sexuality.  Sometimes I am extra "butchy" or masculine.  I have no problem throwing on a mens shirt, jeans and biker boots.  I can feel how I walk different, talk different, hold my shoulders differently.  Then there are days that I love to throw on a pretty dress with elaborate earrings and have my painted toe nails showing to the world.  Again, I can feel my entire demeanor change.  Some people think this might mean I can't make up my mind if I'm girly or a tomboy.  But this is just who I am and it's one of the things I have always loved most about myself.  The flexibility to go in and out whatever I feel fits me for the day.

I am also incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people who actually celebrate this part of myself.  I have so many people in my life who actually love that I have both of these sides to my sexuality and it makes me feel incredibly blessed to have their support.  As such, it has made me incredibly passionate, as a parent, to not force a specific sexuality or gender identification on my daughter.  I put her in traditionally boy AND girl clothes (especially if they were free hand me downs from my community!), I tried not using girly language or getting girly toys.  I wanted her to choose for herself what she feels most comfortable identifying as or presenting herself as.

Unfortunately, no matter what I control in my daughter's immediate environment, I can not control everything else.  I can't control the kids or teachers at her school.  I can't control the other adults in her life that I am not associated with.  I can't control all the other aspects of her life that I might not be able to be directly involved with that infiltrate and manipulate her mind into thinking that girls and boys need to look and act certain ways.  As a result, I am constantly dealing with my daughter saying "I can't wear that because it's blue and blue is for boys!"  Blue is her favorite color.  Although she's now been saying it's pink.
It's breaking my heart.  She's only 3 years old and she's already living in this world where she thinks she has to act and dress a certain way because she is a female.  It has encouraged me, at times, to butch up my look even more.  Resorting to my "boy clothes" on a more frequent basis so that she can have at least one female in her life that presents an alternate idea of what women can look like.  But most of the time, it just makes her mad or confused. She gets frustrated that I'm wearing boy clothes and wants me to change.  She often won't even play with her batman toys now, again, because they are for boys.

How do I break her out of this?  Is it just something that she will eventually grow out of?  I have no problem AT ALL if she is a "girly girl."  But I want it to be because it's HER choice and not something she is essentially bullied into.  I don't want her to lose her sense of wonder and self-discovery because there are people forcing their own ideals on to her.
I wish I knew the causes (or people rather) that were convincing her of these thoughts.  I wish I could find these folks and discuss with them (read: BEG THEM) the important of a young child keeping their innocence.  Let kids be kids and figure things out for themselves. They don't need the hurtful societal restrictions and prejudices of society to define their character or morality.

I know that I won't give up in teaching my daughter all the lifestyles a person can live; teaching her acceptance and tolerance of all people.  But, as a mother, I feel desperate to protect her from the patriarchal enforcement of gender and social norms that might not work for her.  I pray that I equip her with the tools and confidence to define herself and stick by it no matter what anyone says.

I don't want you

So, in the last year, one of the greatest challenges I have faced with my daughter is her frequently looking me in the face saying "I don't want you."  I thought it was just a phase, but it's been pretty consistent for quite a while now.  There have been times I've picked her up and she just starts crying "I want my daddy!!!!"

My responses to this have been endless.  I've tried everything.  Smiling through it and reassuring her that she will see him again.  Letting her know that I am here for her and love her just as much.  Informing her gently that what she is saying hurts my feelings or makes me sad.  Now I've moved on to avoidance.  But not because I'm scared.  I just figure if I don't feed energy into what she's saying, perhaps she will just stop saying it.  Writing that down makes me feel like a bad parent for some reason.  But deep down, I know I'm not because after this new habit of her expressing her disdain for me, I've made a more proactive effort in trying to be a better mom.  Not to prove anything to her or anyone.  But I figure, if she's expressing this annoyance towards me, perhaps it IS because I'm doing something "wrong."  Which is ok.  I'm a first time parent who never grew up around kids, so I'm still figuring things out, and now doing so super solo.  So I've put in extra effort in creating structure, activities, social gatherings, etc.  I'm exhausted lol.  But after a year, I think it is FINALLY starting to pay off.

We go out more.  Which can be challenging to find free or low costs thing to do.  But she always really enjoys the places I find for her.  We read great stories.  We meditate.  We do yoga.  We sing and dance.  We create random art murals in our house.  We attempt to play the guitar.  We TALK.  We're having conversations, which is just crazy to me.  It's been quite the experience to watch my daughter grow.

Hearing my daughter tell me she doesn't want to be around me or doesn't love me has been really hard.  I have cried many a nights over it.  But I secretly think this is just what I needed.  Growing up as an only child, no cousins, and always moving around so not establishing relationships with young people makes it truly challenging to understand what a child need or wants.  My child's dad is like a super parent; a natural born dad who obviously has some incredible parenting instincts that I have often envied which I sometimes attribute to him being raised around so many family members, including his 3 siblings.  It's not the answer to everything, but I think it certainly helps.  So now, through the separation, I have often felt lost and utterly alone.  Especially when I have her for more than 2 days in a row.  Something as simple as "what the hell am I going to make her for dinner" can paralyze my brain; luckily it has not impacted my ability to parent.

I'm very lucky to have an involved co-parent, but I'm also very lucky to have such an awesome kid.  She knows what she needs and demands it...politely of course.  She's not a complete jerk after all, lol.  And she has been such an incredible blessing in my life because she teaches me humility, determination and persistence.  She strengthens my self education (which is something I pretty much thrived off my whole life anyway), my courage, and my confidence.  Granted, she can also make that shatter to the ground with just a few simple words.  But this challenging experience has taught me to push past it faster because there are more good parts than bad.  I really can't wait to see what this little girl teaches me next.  :-)