The plumbing is working, but the wiring is crossed

I mentioned in an earlier post that I've never been a super maternal type of person.  I don't look at kids and melt.  Yes, there are cute kids.  Adorable kids.  And kids sure do say the darndest things.  But the further away from me they are, the better I am.  Mostly because I don't know how to talk to anyone who is less that 14 years old.

There are certain exceptions.  My nephews for sure.  And the kids of a couple of my closest friends.  But I think I only like them at this point because I've learned how to talk to them.  I've been able to build a relationship with them.  I still totally have my awkward moments.  There are times when one of my sister in laws has to actually tell me to hold her baby because I generally just look at him with fear.  I don't want to break him.  And I have no idea what to do with him.  He can't talk yet and I'm not good at doing that whole goo-goo ga-ga stuff, so I just hold him and stare at him.

What's funny is that my aunts (two lovely women that helped my mom raise me) are crazy good with kids.  They never had any kids of their own, but every kid they meet immediately loves them.  It always amazes me and I totally strive to be that kind of person.  One trick I've learned is to treat kids like dogs.  I know, it sounds totally ridiculous.  And this might not work for everyone. But I am a super dog lover and am really great with them.  And little children and dogs are not that different.  They loved to be wrestled with, talked to, and if you throw something they are bound to go get it and bring it back...over and over and over again.  That really only works for like the first 3 years or so, so I gotta figure out a new trick and fast.

My main concern is making sure I become the type of woman that is a "natural" with kids.  And while being pregnant I have felt anything but.  Mostly because I find myself cursing pregnancy so often.  The last three months really have been awful.  Constant nausea and fatigue.  Eating has become a chore.  And now I'm so constipated that I'm pretty sure the poop that has been sitting in my body for the last two weeks is starting to poison me.
I've caught myself, mid dry heaving or curled up in a ball of pain, concerned that I was going to be a horrible mother because I can't look pass the misery and see the joy of bringing a new life in the world.  But then one of my sister in laws asked me the other day "besides the nausea, bloating, and all of that, do you feel pregnant yet?"

That's when it hit me.  No.  I don't feel pregnant.  Imagine the worst hangover you've had.  Or food poisoning situation.  Or flu.  Then take that 1-5 days of torture and elongate it to 1-3 months.  So this whole time, although logically have been pregnant, have just felt like I'm on the verge of dying.  Who the hell can find the joy in that?  So I'm giving myself a bit of leeway (with a hint of fear of course) to let myself just focus on one thing at a time.  Right now, I feel like a sick dog and I'm going to try to get through that before I start thinking about the human being that's going to magically swim out of my vag in 6 months.

On a good note, my life-boo (term totally stolen from a friend) and I were able to go to the doctor this past Thursday.  Normally, we see a little circle on the sonogram screen and hear the heart beat, which is usually pretty cool.  But this time we were totally caught off guard.  There was an actual human being.  Like, a head.  And legs.  And (pardon my language) IT WAS FUCKING MOVING AROUND!  Like, swimming around.  Totally blew our minds.  And that experience brought me one step closer to feeling like a mom.  I've got 6 more months to get where I want to be.  I'm hoping that when the crappiness of the first trimester is over, that I will be there.  But looking at the picture below reminds me that it definitely is possible.  :-)