As the horrors of the first trimester begin to wane (notice I said "begin to." Yes, it's still going on.) I am starting to get a bit more excited about being a mom. It's weird to actually think of myself in those terms still, but I'm warming up to it. I find myself talking to the baby sometimes, totally by accident. And sometimes I randomly hug my stomach because I just get really excited about being pregnant.
I haven't really gotten emotional about being a mom, that is, up until this Sunday. Sunday night the hubby and I decided to go to the movies because we haven't been in a minute. We went to go see 50/50, a dramatic comedy starring Joseph Gordon Levitt and Seth Rogen. I'm a fan of both, so I thought it might be cool to see.
It's a pretty cute/saddish movie about a young man (Levitt) who gets diagnosed with spinal cancer at the age of 27, and his journey in dealing with that. Even though Levitt and Rogen had great chemistry, I couldn't stop watching Angelica Houston, who I have had a total crush on since back in the Addams Family days.
Ms. Houston plays Levitt's mom, who is also the wife of an Alzheimer's patient. She is very concerned and protective of her son, but not in such an overbearing way that you want to stab her in the face. Unfortunately for her, her son really doesn't want anything to do with her because she is "annoying." As Levitt continuously pushes her away, you see her pain but respect her for not pushing him too hard. One of the characters in the movies so wittingly says to Levitt "Wow. She has a husband that can't talk to her, and a son that won't. You're kind of a dick."
There was one scene that hit me particularly hard. She visits her son in the hospital, and sees him rolled away as he goes into a surgery. And in my head, I thought "that could be the last time she ever sees him. That could be her last image of him." And I started bawling. Not even my most nauseous day had me clutching my stomach so tight.
What was weird was I was not experiencing any kind of regret in having a child because they might get cancer. Rather, I was sadly overjoyed that I had the opportunity of feeling that much loving pain if I ever lost my child in that way. I can only imagine that it is one of the most unique feelings in the world, and truly a gift. I know...it sounds a bit morbid. But its kinda like one of those "I would rather have loved and lost than never loved at all" type feelings. And regardless of its morbidity, I feel very grateful that I will be able to experience that kind of love for another human being.
1 comment:
Parenthood really screws with your head. And it starts early, during pregnancy. Things that would have never bothered you before now keep you up at night. I remember when I was pregnant with Gabe, Alan and I watched this movie about a little boy dying of cancer. Usually, those kind of movies would make me cry but being pregnant and having all of these dreams and wishes for my child...I was hyperventilating I was crying so hard. I have also noticed that when I watch movies, t.v. shows, or watch the news, I no longer find myself relating to to the younger people. I am a 100% involved with the mother or the father. Oh, and don't get me started with the news. I could sit and cry and worry all day by reading what is going on around the world. These fears that we have as parents, unfortunately, never go away. In fact, they get worse. But you have to be able to live in the present, be grateful for what and who you have in your life, and thank God every day that you are alive and able to do all the wonderful things you are doing.
-Erin
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