I think all people have a subliminal, innate sense that nothing bad or weird will happen to them. Not because they're ignorant, but it's just part of our nature as human beings, and probably as Americans. Yeah...that doesn't change during pregnancy either lol. Even knowing all the possible side effects of being pregnant, I think there's always a part of you that thinks "Oh, that won't happen to me. I won't gain 40 pounds. I won't throw up. I won't get stretch marks." I totally had one of those "I didn't think this would happen to me" moments last week.
One of the many stereotypes of pregnant women is that they are really emotional. To an extent that they can break down and cry or freak out over nothing. This has always really bothered me because I feel like there is an expectation for women (pregnant and not pregnant alike) to overreact in general. Yes, we MIGHT be more vocal about how we are feeling, but I think generally each person is pretty much just as emotional as the next, they just express it in different ways.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I went on an internal rampage to make sure that I didn't end up as THAT pregnant lady. I don't let my hubby cater to me, I can do ish myself dang it! I don't (often) indulge in eating more than I should. I keep active because a healthy momma means a healthy baby. And I make sure to keep my emotions in check, ESPECIALLY around my husband because he does not deserve poor treatment just because I'm pregnant. But that is just my own personal philosophy.
Although I have had a few moments where I felt like I might have overreacted to something, I was pretty good about stopping any negative or depressing feelings in their tracks. I have cried a bit more often, but that is usually when I am feeling incredibly sick, fatigued, or a combination of both. So I don't count those times, haha.
Alas, last Thursday, my inner emotional preggo totally surfaced. Not as crazy as I thought, but still mildly embarrassing for me. I was visiting one of the schools that my company is affiliated with and quickly rushed to a doctor appointment afterwards. I was particularly excited about this appointment because it was supposed to be with a midwife at a hospital in the Bronx (that's a whole other post). Unfortunately, I was 30 minutes late to the appointment and they only allow for first time patients to be 15 minutes late before making them reschedule.
I definitely knew I was late but was not aware of the 15 minute policy. I got to the front desk, out of breath but excited, and checked myself in. Promptly, the woman checking people in said "I'm sorry honey, but we' gonna have to reschedule. You are just way too late," and I just stared at her. Mentally, I understood the policy. Under any other circumstance I would have just sucked it up and rescheduled. But in that moment my mind started to race and scream.
All I could think was "But I tried to get here as fast as I could. I'm 26 weeks pregnant, I can only move so fast! Can this chick cut me an effing break!?!?! This whole working mother thing is totally over effing rated. This is just too hard!" Then she told me that the only time she could reschedule was for 1pm the following Wednesday, or 10:30 am the following Friday. Now, two problems with this. One, both of those times (and pretty much any other time she had to offer) are during my usual work hours. I felt an extreme amount of guilt making another appointment during work hours because my job has been so incredibly accommodating as it is. The other issue is, I'm a stubborn person even when I'm not pregnant. When I want something, I want it N-O-W. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but right the fudge now. So the fact that I had to wait another second to meet with this midwife tore me apart. I started to lose it. But really, I was just tired. I am realllllly tired of going to the doctor. I do enjoy going because it means I get to see my little girl, and that just makes my day. But it is sooooo hard to balance all of the appointments and still feel like an effective human being in my job, my relationship, and my life in general. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like when she's actually here....
Luckily, I had some sanity left, and didn't totally lose my shit on the front lady person. She was also nice enough to let me fill out the new patient paperwork so that when I did come in for my new scheduled appointment I could just go right in. Right when she was handing me the paperwork, Michael arrived, and I just lost it. I sat down and just cried and vented like a big ol' baby. And I kept telling him "I don't even understand why I'm crying right now! This isn't the first time I've had to reschedule a doctor's appointment. I feel so ridiculous." And being the good man he is, he assured me that I had every right to cry. But as I looked around the waiting, at the oncoming stares and glares from the other pregnant women in the room, I knew I was being ridiculous. Especially since once I started to cry, I really felt like I was never going to stop.
Granted, on a scale from 1-10, 1 being a completely non-emotional robot and 10 being going totally John McEnroe on everyone, this situation was only MAYBE a 3 for observers. But for me, it felt like a 500; not being able to control my emotions, or even understand how they peaked in such a quick manner, was incredibly restricting to my sanity. And it was especially "humbling" that it happened in front of a group of people. I HAAAAATE crying in front of people. It's the worst. But it happened. And I'll probably never see any of those people again, except for those lovely ladies at the front desk. So the moment actually served as a was nice introduction to the real world of pregnancy.
Yes, every pregnancy is different. Not every woman shows the same way, grows the same way, or has the same side effects, if they experience any at all. But I think for any woman who hopes to have a baby, you really have to be willing to just surrender everything you are and everything you're used to...at least for 9 months. Just let everything go, be free, stop giving a damn about other people, and just go with the flow. Because shit is gonna get REAL, and there is nothing you can do about it.
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